Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
