Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
