I didn't shave. On purpose
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
