Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
