My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
