she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
