I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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