I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Did we literally take a cab across the street
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
You are a genius and a whore.
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