my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Pants are for mortals
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
