You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
