Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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