just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
