I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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