I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
