If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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