Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
