dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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