he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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