haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
