i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Ladies don't puke and tell
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize