I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
