In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
