Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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