Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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