glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I've blown a few things in my day
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
