I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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