This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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