Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
