can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
