The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
