He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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