I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize