I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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