i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
50% drunk capacity currently
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
