we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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