sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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