somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
