So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
