She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
