My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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