my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
