Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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