Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
