You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
My breath smells like gin and sadness
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
