You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
