he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
