I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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