I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
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