i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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