Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
