Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
