Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
