I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
