I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
