i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
