Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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