we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
