Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize