totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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