my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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