Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
