I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
If I die, sorry about rent.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Randomize
