I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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