I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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