How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
